I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my being single is dangerous.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
