i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
