Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Pants are for mortals
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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