Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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