I just made out with a guy for $7.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
