I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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