she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
