Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
