I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
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I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
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Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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