I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
