a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
