I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question