Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize