I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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