Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
