I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
