anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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