he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
