he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
