Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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