hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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