I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
