i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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