dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
