Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
