I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
