Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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