My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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