Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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