1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
