can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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