i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
