Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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