There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
