There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
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Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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