I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
