im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
