Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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