i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
