i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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