Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
