So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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