also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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