It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
