One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
