can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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