sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
