I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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