don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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