please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You were trust falling into bushes
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
