Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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