Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
