I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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