An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
