I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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