oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
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Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
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