Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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